Sunday 31 January 2010

NAIJA HARD TALK--- XIMENA HERALD

The lost love
Once the citizens of this country were law abiding, love thy neighbour dove type. But today it’s all gone with the wind… whoosh...
The recent killings in jos has just confirmed that we no longer love one another. How can you explain the senseless mayhem that has left families in mourning, wives as widows, husband as widowers and even children as orphans. A catastrophe that wasn’t even their fault. An argument that could have been averted or prevented from escalating into a full blown religious war, and that my people is what I call internal terrorism

Sometimes I wonder how they do it, how would u attack someone you see and speak to literally everyday. It’s unbelievable; the same neighbour who is your closest relative has become your sworn enemy because your opinion about an issue is different. So what, we all agree to disagree but at the end of the day we reach a consensus that will benefit both parties. Jeez, what ever happened to diplomacy? Now, its “if you talk rubbish, I go shuck you”

For how long can we preach peace?

Too long have I lived among people who hate peace, who when I propose peace are all for war (psalm 120: 6-7)

Now if I jokingly call my delta neighbour “kolo” I may unknowingly start a series of inter tribal war.
I see inter tribal wars, religious crises as a man made disaster, let us pause here and move to the other side of the globe
HAITI
Own tragedy wasn’t as a result of their own doing (even though a certain man of God said they are paying for having a pact with the devil some 200 moons ago.. God calls people to repentance and never destroys his own) and suffered a fate that befell hundreds of thousands of Haitians. If only Nigerian will step out side their comfort zones and put themselves in the position of Haiti, would we then have the strength to stab and start a religious war when nature might pay us a surprise visit.


.

We really should be thankful for the geographical location God has placed us.
He has blessed us with every thing we need and yet we still misbehave. If we all remember the parable of the sower, we haven’t sowed any of the resources God gave to us, should he not have taken it from us? But, nay, God loves us so much he is willing to give us chance after chances. And yet in our gratitude to God, we kill, destroy and maim the works of his creation.


Isn’t it about time we sorted our differences out? If not for us but for the sake of our unborn generation...

and remember while you are busy fighting over lands, burning down houses remember there are so many people who are homeless and starving and would do just about anything to have a room to lay their heads for the night....


When we start fighting over issues like these, how do we defend or stand up for one another when an external force attacks us
I wont even ask the obvious, but what d heck , with these mayhems here and there, does it mean that our lives and properties are not secured at any point in time…. ?

What ever happened to the phrase?
one nation bound in freedom, peace and unity?

Can we make Nigeria not just a nation but our home?
then if my people who bear my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my presence and turn from their wicked ways, I myself will hear from heaven and forgive their sins and restore their land. Now and for the future my eyes are open and my ears attentive to the prayer that is offered in this place.

A now a prayer for Nigeria

Thus says Yahweh:
At the favourable time I will answer you,
On the day of salvation I will help you,
I will restore your land and assign you the estates that lie waste



That said and done, my “normal” write-ups resumes effective immediately.
From the archives of mischievous imagination of a crasee baybay..

Still crazy after all these years
President of the republic of zanuidesodwaawuu

Monday 18 January 2010

A NEW CONSTITUTION THOU RECEIVETH WITH LOVE FROM THE MOUNTAIN

Behold my brethren sixty days ago, begineth I a journey upon the mountains to obtaineth for thee a constitution/ agenda that will benefit us all.

Wherefore upon the mountain I geteth this agenda after I tarried so long here. After I cometh down from the mountain, I proceedeth forthwith to the land of the Mediterranean and renewed my spirit and rekindle bilateral relationships with the nation.

Wherein I journeyed back to the land of my fathers to give to you all citizens of the republic of zanuidesodwaawuu.
To my faithful and loyal backyard cabinet members, we shall all drink and be merry. And as I have returned you thee in one piece, I declare three days of celebration. Proceedeth there fore on the next Wednesday to my palace and celebrate.

In the spirit of mountainship and being a president that sends directives from her bb
I have come down with the constitution that is legal and binding to all and sundry. This constitution is supreme and super cedes all other constitution.

I beseech thee to comment on this note…

As I dey mountains for sixty days and I fit go there again if una wahala wan plenty for me.

Sections
1. Any idiot/farouk that contests this constitution shall be mutallabed
2. I decide where and when I want to travel
3 I decide who I want to tell and I decide the media house I will grant an interview.

4 Any one that tries or makes an attempt to impeach me shall forfeit all his/her properties

5 As the custodian and upholder of the law, I am the only one entitled to houses abroad. Any member of my cabinet, who owns even a studio flat overseas, will face a jail term of sixteen moons and ten eke days.

6 I reserve the right to travel at any time and send directives from my blackberry

7 I operate on a government that is accountable and transparent and shall in no way or forms accept bribes in form of cash, houses, cars or whatever. However, I can accept all these gifts under the guise of “re election” as most of you are aware that re election is round the corner

8 If you are appointed minister of justice, get a gown, a gavel and go to the court house.

8a All ministers must adhere strictly to the position accorded them. I shall not tolerate in my cabinet a minister running his/her mouth like the barbeach.
Failure to comply, severe consequences,

9 No minister shall visit any country while I am away.
If you have a problem with this agenda and would like to contest it, I suggest thou visitesth the mountain, get your own agenda and form your own country


Signed
Her Excellency

L.B engr senator presido Madame de Madame (special agent hosama-obama) fs, pss, etc, etc. aso asf
www.stillcrazyfteralltheseyears-xim.blogspot.com

Monday 11 January 2010

the complete definition of farouk

Faarouk
An idiot who cant differentiate between an explosive (a bomb) and fireworks (banga )

Pronounced

GENERAL DEFINITION
A specimen or an individual who fails woefully in an attempt to blow up a plane.
An ignoramus who is unable to operate a simple device .

The term farouk can be likened to someone who cant change the batteries of a remote, turn off the tap or even open the door

OTHER DEFINITIONS
A biological error that should have been aborted

SYNONYMS
Dunce, Dundee, odensin, oponu, odoyo, oda, ode, oloshi , idiot

BIOLOGICAL DEFINITION
ignoronamoficious specimenidiota derived from the nincompoop family claimed to have been in existence many moons ago.

MATHEMATICAL EQUATION
3 (2FA^3 + 6RO^2 + 7UK^2) + 4(3NGA^3 + 4YEM^2 + 6TG ) – (7GN^3 + 9JND^2+ 2 AMD) =
WHERE FA + RO+UK = FARUK
&
NGA =NINJA
YEM= YEMEN
GN = GHANA
JND = JAHND
TG =TOGO
AMD= AMSTERDAM

CHEMICAL COMPOSITION
4BS
NS2
2D2A

CHEMICAL EQUATION
4BS+ NS2+2D2A=
Where BS= Bull Shit
NS = nonsense
DA- dumb ass

Characteristics
1. in efficient
2. craves attention
3. severely dense and retarded
4. unable to operate a simple device like a TV switch button



GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION
potential location should be Guantanamo bay

please note that the term farouk replaces idiot in the dictionary ..


copy write protected...
2010
from the archives of a mischievous imaginatin of a crazy babay
www.stillcrazyafteralltheseyears-xim.blogspot.com

the complete definition of farouk

Faarouk
An idiot who cant differentiate between an explosive (a bomb) and fireworks (banga )

Pronounced

GENERAL DEFINITION
A specimen or an individual who fails woefully in an attempt to blow up a plane.
An ignoramus who is unable to operate a simple device .

The term farouk can be likened to someone who cant change the batteries of a remote, turn off the tap or even open the door

OTHER DEFINITIONS
A biological error that should have been aborted

SYNONYMS
Dunce, Dundee, odensin, oponu, odoyo, oda, ode, oloshi , idiot

BIOLOGICAL DEFINITION
ignoronamoficious specimenidiota derived from the nincompoop family claimed to have been in existence many moons ago.

MATHEMATICAL EQUATION
3 (2FA^3 + 6RO^2 + 7UK^2) + 4(3NGA^3 + 4YEM^2 + 6TG ) – (7GN^3 + 9JND^2+ 2 AMD) =
WHERE FA + RO+UK = FARUK
&
NGA =NINJA
YEM= YEMEN
GN = GHANA
JND = JAHND
TG =TOGO
AMD= AMSTERDAM

CHEMICAL COMPOSITION
4BS
NS2
2D2A

CHEMICAL EQUATION
4BS+ NS2+2D2A=
Where BS= Bull Shit
NS = nonsense
DA- dumb ass

Characteristics
1. in efficient
2. craves attention
3. severely dense and retarded
4. unable to operate a simple device like a TV switch button



GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION
potential location should be Guantanamo bay

please note that the term farouk replaces idiot in the dictionary ..


copy write protected...
2010
from the archives of a mischievous imaginatin of a crazy babay
www.stillcrazyafteralltheseyears-xim.blogspot.com

Friday 8 January 2010

the land called anything can happen

Once upon a time in a land called” ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN”
The people of the land were peace loving people; they could walk into their neighbour’s houses and borrow a tuber of yam. They lived peacefully, until one day they woke up and every thing was chaotic. There ruler had died, the gods had called him home just before sunrise.

The town crier had gone round to the village square to announce the passing of their ruler. The women who were just returning from the stream, screamed and screamed,
The men were too numb to utter a word. It was impossible, the king cannot be dead, how be it so? That land was never the same; they never did have a king like that again. The king who visited his subjects if they took ill or where involved in a hunting accident. He wasn’t just their leader he was their father and a friend and now he was gone to be with his ancestors.

The chiefs quickly called for an emergency meeting in a secret location
‘We are all saddened by what has happened to us, what great tragedy has befallen us’ lamented of the chiefs.

‘It is truly sad indeed, but we must make preparations for his burial’ replied the left hand chief and also select a leader immediately
“You are very correct” muttered the chiefs in unison.
But first we must consult the oracle to know whom the gods have chosen.




One day the king decided to go on a journey

‘Where is our king?’ the villagers demanded
“He went to visit the king in the neighbouring village” replied one of the chiefs
“Why would he just leave in a hurry, when he has to be here when the festival commences in three days .”

“He will be back by sunset tomorrow” replied the elder with a big mouth
“Lets hope so, because our king cannot be absent from this festival oh” replied one of the villagers

When he didn’t return on the said day, the villagers knew something was amiss. Did he go to fight a war? Or has he been eaten by wild animals? Has he been kidnapped? Random questions flooded the minds of the villagers, he travelled with his guards, but they were utterly useless bunch those two.

the king returned on the morning of the festival and the village rejoiced but demanded to know where he had been and why he would leave his subjects alone without a reasonable explanation?

The king apologised and said he was averting war between two villages.
Every thing returned to normal.
A few moons after, the villagers woke up to realise their king had left.
Ohs and ahs flew every where. “Where could he have gone”? Demanded the village drunk
“Erm, he went to visit the king about sixteen villages from here, he will be back soon” replied the elder with the big mouth.
“How soon is soon?” asked a villager
“He went to congratulate the new king of that town and would be back before the end of the week”
“ummm , I am just saying he had things to put in order before embarking on this journey”

Seven Sundays later the ruler hadn’t returned, and the villagers demanded that the next in line to the king be made the interim leader until the king returned. A group of chiefs agreed, but some refused and insisted on waiting for the king.

“We can’t be this long without a ruler” screamed the leader of the angry youth

“We can’t just elect a leader like that, we have to follow protocols” replied the fat chief

“We need a leader, a village without a leader is opening its doors to anarchy...” replied a youth.

“Shut up, what do you know” asked the big mouthed chief.

“Enough, sir to know that a land as blessed as ours without a leader in this present time will be a laughing stock to other villages” responded the leader of the youth.
“don’t speak to your elders like that , young man” responded one of the chiefs

“ah now I know you are hiding something, tomorrow , we shall embark on a journey to visit the village where our leader is!!” said one of the youths
“hear ! hear !! hear!!” they all chorused and left the elders
Chanting
“all we are saying …….”
Tbc


from the archives of the mischievous imagination of a crazybabe
www.stillcrazyafteralltheseyears-xim.blogspot.com

Charity begins at home (random musings/rantings of a crazy babe)

Charity begins at home (random musings/rantings of a crazy babe)

Charity they say begins at home so the saying goes…
But when charity begins abroad, how do you quantify them.

Check out the universities abroad, 3/4 of international students are Nigerians. If the government can think of how much money is being poured into the revenue of these countries, they would over haul and spiritually cleanse the educational system or take the minister of education for some special prayer sessions.

Road or shall I say VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH
Pot holes and devils trap every where. The major roads are a big disgrace but the roads to your houses run smoothly that I could practice my dancing on the road skills on, and on that same dilapidated road some one lost a breadwinner...
The last time I travelled on a road like this I had to pinch myself just to confirm if I was in a bus or had gone for ACUPUNCTURE.

Hospitals
Government hospitals are usually top class and renowned specialists are always found there, alas, your government hospital has nothing but a chair and a desk for the receptionist, a bench for the patients on a first come, first sit basis. And when a patient has been ill for a while, running helter skelter from one test to another, trying to diagnose malaria when the patient just has a cold. Or the patient has cancer and you do not have the facilities to detect a tumour before it eats the entire organs of the victim. Eventually you refer the patient abroad for further “check up” and a family is unable to raise the money for further tests abroad, because of lack of equipment in our country?

What will then happen, if one day you develop a heart attack and you are rushed to the hospital?
And there are no doctors on call? Or no didn’t you hear THEY ARE ON STRIKE (sounds familiar)
Thankfully, some nurses are idly chatting who can’t be bothered with you interrupting their gist gives you a bag of drip and asks you to find your square root? While they continue on the latest gist.. do I blame them

By the time your assistant is making arrangements to fly you abroad for treatment, its too late...

Remember the saying “a stitch in time”??

And then you ask the government for funds to equip the hospitals, they decide to deliberate on it. In the process of deliberating, they are spending millions and zillions of naira on stupid things that will not hold water tomorrow.
Providence forbids that one of you falls ill today and requires an urgent medical attention. (urgent in the real sense of the word that flying six hours to London or twelve hours to America or how many hours it will take you to fly to Germany or Saudi Arabia) by the time you get to your local hospital and you find out that there aren’t any medical equipments to take up your plight. Before you can think of procuring a medical visa, its judgement day for you…

The truth is, if they government can fix the education and health sectors of the country, the amount of income the country will generate at the end of the year. But, nay ijekuje has so eaten deep that they have forgotten there is a place called tomorrow, where the hunter will become the hunted... and where bush meat go catch hunter.

Remember, the wealth you may have acquired while in office and your constituent has no electricity supply (Problem Has Changed Name is another issue for another day) no form of clean water, no good roads, absolutely no basic amenities whatsoever. Please be reminded that you came into this world with nothing and with nothing shall you leave with.


What’s it going to be?
Renovate the hospitals and over haul the schools, the roads. ?
Provide the basic amenities for your citizens
Or you just gonna sit there and deliberate on this issue?

Every government should and must take pride in the happiness and welfare of her citizens.
The countries you go and dash out money are getting richer, while you are getting poorer and more myopic…

Oh, well this crazy girl rants again abi?
If only you can devote half an hour, reflect on this piece, think outside the box.
Look beyond the present
What future beholds the unborn child?

One day bush meat go catch hunter………
From the archives of the mischievous imagination of a crasee babay
Still crazy after all these years